Tozzer - the kid, the comic, the movies, the mayhem.

Bristol, May 14-15 2005. Yup, it's the Comic Expo, easily the biggest comics-related event in the universe (based on how many Tozzer comics are sold) and the entire workforce of Ablaze Media was there. In other words, me and Pete.

When things got too hectic, I used the power of my body odour to disperse the crowds

On Friday morning, we sped off in Pete's Porsche, away from the green pastures of London to the industrial wastelands of the West Country. Bristol was once a picturesque village with a thriving tourist trade, but since the first comics readers settled there, it's gone rapidly downhill. Quaint little souvenir shops have been replaced by seedy comics emporiums, with their tasteless facades and their corruptive neon signs. If Travis Bickle ever came to visit, he'd have a heart attack.

The Bristol comics district

Our first stop was the British Empire and Commonwealth Museum Exhibition Hall - a catchy name, to be sure. We set up our display and then galloped over to the luxury leisure complex that is the Ramada Plaza Hotel. The entire building was throbbing with comics people, due to the "Pro-Con" which was taking place. I had no idea that prostitutes held their own conventions, nor that they attracted such vast numbers of comics creators. Frankly, I was shocked. Batman was charging a fiver a pop.

The Dark Knight Returns - from the supermarket

We checked in, and oh, by the way, here's something weird. Every member of staff in the hotel was French. I suppose they came here for the comics scene, as their own country has no appreciation whatsoever of the art form. It's a shame really, but that's Europe for you.

Later, in the hotel bar, we mingled with the comics people and the prostitutes, and boy was it hard to tell who was in what industry. It was also incredibly noisy, which only served to exacerbated the problem. Pete thought he was onto a good thing with a twenty-two year old buxom glamour girl, but it turned out he was chatting to Neil Googe (Wildstorm artist and Playboy centrefold).

Neil Googe gives a girlish pout

I sat next to Comics Nexus reviewer Will Cooling, and we briefly discussed Tozzer 2, before he offered to spank me for £50. I tried to decline, but at that precise moment I lost my voice. Really, my vocal chords just packed in. I do have a permanently fucked-up throat and shouting in the bar was obviously not a good idea, especially the night before the damned Expo! So, £50 poorer and with a mild limp, I made my way back to my hotel room, determined to get a good night's sleep. And boy, are those pay-per-view adult channels a rip-off.

So, next day, the Expo! Yes, wonderful, except when your throat's not functioning and you're reduced to using sign language to sell your comics. Still, people flocked to the Tozzer table like geese, only taller. They made Pete sketch like a bastard, while I put things in bags and pointed to my throat, in a pathetic display of feeling sorry for myself. We sold oodles of comics, and judging by the number of people who bought the complete set of titles, we've corrupted a whole new batch of souls.

One bloke was disguised as a NASA scientist, but it was a half-hearted effort

As usual, our table was next to John Anderson's, of Soaring Penguin. He was a constant source of entertainment - his "muffin diving" gag was a particular treat.

John and his filthy sense of humour

In the afternoon, I fancied a wander, so I pointed to my throat and made a sad face, and Pete let me escape. He was left at the table, signing stuff, selling stuff, drawing sketches, looking at artists' portfolios, and generally doing all the work, while I took in the delights of the Expo. And what delights they were!

The most impressive thing in the hall, by far, was the ridiculously big Malcolm Magic display. Those Blink Twice boys and their enormous signs - I dunno, they either have too much time on their hands or really small penises. I can't decide which, and frankly, I don't want to know.

Lawrence Etherington, and the Blink Twice display for the visually impaired

Not everyone appreciates the Blink Twice guys taking over the world with their giant propaganda devices. A rival comics creator was so incensed by their behaviour that he concealed a handgun inside a video camera and tried to pull off a Bodyguard-style assassination of Bob Etherington.

It was a cold day and Bob wasn't comfortable with his protruding nipples

Luckily, the assassin was foiled, thanks to the intervention of a mysterious caped prostitute.

The superslut strikes again

If Blink Twice get the gold medal for their display, then the silver must surely go to Tokyopop, for at least putting in the effort. Their booth was beset by structural problems, but they never threw in the towel. No, they made a phone call to the guy in Oxford Street who holds up the "Golf Sale" sign and had him airlifted over to Bristol. Without his help, their booth would have surely collapsed.

The man who saved the booth

For sheer courage, I'd have to give some kind of award to Jack Lawrence. He was selling lions, tigers and bears. A strange choice of inventory for a comics show, I grant you, but he was obviously not someone to mess with.

Jack Lawrence, moments before his assassination

I have to say, Daley Osiyemi (Brodie's Law) has the right idea. You see, I let Pete do most of the work, as he's the artist and I'm the writer. But Daley, he takes the concept of labour delegation one step further. The Brodie's Law artist is David Bircham, the writer is Alan Grant and Daley is in charge of "story". That's right, he doesn't even write the comics, he just gets Alan Grant to do that for him. No wonder he looks so relaxed all the time, while poor old David's dying from exhaustion. I'm sure I can learn from this. Don't be surprised to see me credited in the next Tozzer book as "Chips in with an idea when he can be arsed". Sounds good to me!

Daley, hard at work, as always

One of the many comics I bought at the show was a one-shot called The Confessional by Warpton Comics. It's a good read and I recommend checking it out. It throws up some interesting religious questions without bombarding the reader with biblical rhetoric. I said hello to Steve Causer of Warpton, but I didn't meet the scary long-haired dude sitting next to him. It turns out the guy was Satan, and he'd been brought in as a special guest, which makes sense, given the subject matter of The Confessional. It's those arched eyebrows, they're a dead giveaway.

Steve Causer (right) and the Prince of Darkness

Satan's influence became more obvious as the day wore on. A darkness descended, and one poor bloke was forced to read his comics by the light of a radioactive sausage roll.

Comics and pastry - what else is there in life?

And, of course, you know who else comes out at night? That's right - bats. Bats, and prostitutes.

"Bring it on"

Talking of superheroes, there are some spandex-clad folk who object to Batman's seedy profession. Spiderman gets particularly upset, so when Batman started to offer his body to the Expo crowd, it was no surprise to see Spiderman throwing down the gauntlet. It was billed as a fight to the death, but Batman wimped out and they settled on an arm wrestle. Spiderman won.

Spiderman has super-powers, so technically it was an unfair contest

Other highlights included…

The resourceful Ed Traquino, who decided to save money on marketing costs by holding up a copy of his comic throughout the entire event. He had no idea I was taking this picture:

The clever, charming, dashing and hugely wonderful Glenn Carter, from Silver Bullet Comics. The fact that he's written some very nice things about Tozzer has no impact on my objectivity:

Batman protecting the Tozzer table from the forces of evil? Actually, no, he was soliciting:

Pete demonstrating his seductive abilities on a helpless young filly:

Those mischievous dudes from Ace Comics, who played a practical joke on their boss, telling him he should buy loads of Tozzer comics:

Thrud the Barbarian. He's getting on a bit now, frankly, and he seems a bit too civilised to continue using that name. I hear he's given up the raping and pillaging, but does occasionally bite the heads off chickens:

And, finally, I chanced upon a stunning Playboy centrefold, although the camera cannot quite capture the full impact of her seductive pout:

But, oh shit, I didn't talk about Sunday! Well, nothing much happened. It was a bit quieter, and to be honest my fingers hurt now so I'm going to wrap this up.

Thanks to everyone who came by and a huge thank-you to Dez and Mike, who put the whole thing together. A big shout out to Baz from Engine Comics, Gringo, Mikey B, Rich from AP Comics, Daniel Merlin Goodbrey, Kristian Barry, "Wheelchair Girl" (and her Wookie) and anyone else I forgot to mention.

Look out for more Tozzer news this summer. Then in November, we'll be at the Brighton Comics Expo, so pop along!

Meanwhile, stay out of trouble.

Rob

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