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Collectormania February 2006
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| Manchester, February 11-12 2006. The G-Mex Centre was no more. 130 years of history wiped out in seconds. A magnificent structure reduced to rubble. Rubble, and broken Star Wars figures, along with a few David Prowse autographs and a cloth cap shaped like a dustbin lid.
As
I surveyed the scene, it was hard not to shed a tear, mostly because
I was chopping onions at the time. Hey, a man’s gotta eat. Besides,
we’ve still got the NEC, so let’s not blow this out of all
proportion.
Collectormania was in full swing, and life was good. The Tozzers, that’s me and Pete, were selling our books by the bucket-load. We stopped that after a while though, as we ran out of buckets and frankly it wasn’t practical.
What you need to know about Collectormania is this. It’s all about the celebs. People come, they get the cast of Stargate SG1 to scribble their names on a photograph, and they leave, happy as piranhas at a waterpolo game.
On rare occasions, the autograph hunters get lost and wander past the Tozzer stand. Our basic strategy is to mug them, steal their valuables, and give them a few comics as compensation. Sometimes we give them a T-shirt too, just to liven things up a bit. One of the biggest names of the show was John Rhys-Davies, star of Lord of the Rings and Raiders of the Lost Ark. But perhaps you know him best for his acclaimed role in 1970’s TV series Budgie, where he played the “Laughing Spam Fritter”. It was a legendary performance. If you ever need a piece of fried luncheon meat with a sense of humour, John’s your man.
As always, Star Wars was much in evidence. If you’ve read Tozzer 2, you’ll know that George Lucas is taking over the universe, and he certainly has a vice-like grip on the convention circuit.
Apparently, taking that last shot was an intergalactic no-no. Photos of the Vader Tie are strictly forbidden, and to be honest, I can see why. With a stern, albeit ageing, look on his face, Vader quickly changed into his scary black costume and raised a menacing fist.
Soon, I was surrounded by imperial gangbangers and it was obvious that I’d outstayed my welcome.
Later, Jorge Garcia stopped by the Tozzer table and marvelled at the goodies on display. “Say, what are you doing in this neck of the woods?” asked Pete. “Are you… LOST?” Jorge laughed heartily at Pete’s play on words, but his joviality was merely a façade. Jorge’s eyes narrowed, his lip curled, then he challenged Pete to a Sumo wrestling match. “Oh, sweet Jesus,” said Pete, the blood draining from his face.
Still embarrassed by Pete’s abominable pun, I decided to leave him to it, and went in search of coffee. Luckily, there was a Starbuck nearby.
As well as the Star Wars paraphernalia, there was, of course, the Harry Potter contingent. Oh, they might look innocent enough, but rest assured, these hoodie-wearing hoodlums will have the Nikes off your feet in a nanosecond. Many fans were left disappointed, as Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in the Potter movies) was a no-show. The management came up with a great solution though. They dragged some homeless kid off the street, strapped him to a chair, and made him sign autographs instead.
Some of the cosplay Potters were fairly convincing.
While others really pushed the boat out.
Of course, you couldn’t always tell who the cosplay guys were supposed to be.
You’re probably wondering about our old favourites, the Tokyo Popsters. Well, let me tell you that this time they were well prepared. Even the dazzling sight of the awesome Tozzer tables could not deter them. The Tokyo Pop machine rolled into town armed with three kilometres of elaborate shelving that would put any Virgin Megastore to shame. Trouble is, the shelves were flat-packed, they’d lost the instructions and Ikea wasn’t returning their calls.
Generally, things were running smoothly. Celebrities were getting plenty of wrist action and Pete was drawing in the crowds with his Vader-like gesticulations.
It was almost time to leave.
The weekend was a success. Collectormania G-Mex was warmly welcomed by fans and dealers alike (even if this wasn’t the ideal venue for pushing narcotics). And everyone was happy and smiling – at least, they were once the management pumped the hall full of nitrous oxide. But then it happened. First came the sound – a thunderous roar, like the very gates of hell had opened up. Windows shattered around the hall. Babies screamed. R2D2 hid under the table with Pat Butcher. The Spam Fritter stopped laughing. And then the ground shook. Thomp. Thomp. Thomp. Ripples appeared in a glass of water and someone shouted “Turn the light off!”. People were tossed this way and that, their flesh wobbling like jelly, and every straight male turned to Katee Sackhoff, to make sure she was wobbling too.
Then a fist as big as a car smashed through the ceiling, bringing tons of rubble down onto the screaming crowds. It was a black fist, a furry fist. Yes, outside… was King Kong himself. Horrified, I saw it reach down and grab Pete. The muscles in its huge arm pulsated with power and the beast let out another roar, even louder than the first. Pete was lifted off the ground, a few millimetres at first, then a few centimetres, then Kong gave up and let him go. Phew!
“What do you want, big guy?” I shouted. “I’d like Tozzer 1 and 2, and… oh, you meant the ape, right?” said Jorge Garcia, sheepishly. “Tozzer T-shirt!” bellowed the King. “No problem!” I shouted back. “And how about a couple for your offspring too?” “Okay, yeah, whatever.” And that was that. King Kong peeled back the roof of the building, then smashed up all the walls, just to be thorough. He bent down, took the T-shirts, and agreed to pose for the Tozzer-cam. Job done. Shame about the hall.
Thanks to the management for putting on a great show, and thanks to everyone who stopped by. If you let me take your picture, then you’re a star. Thanks to Andy Serkis for getting into the Tozzer spirit, and to Jorge Garcia, Veronica Taylor and Sean Schemmel, for being cool and buying our stuff. Respect to Jordan, from NYK mag, Dave from the Brodie’s posse, and that cool bunch of folks from Accent UK. And anyone else I forgot to mention. We had a great time at Collectormania, and we’ll be there again in November, so long as they’ve finished rebuilding the G-mex Centre. In the meantime, we’ll be at a whole bunch of other events too – see our website for details. Take it easy. Rob |
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