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Memorabilia March 2006
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| Birmingham,
March 25-26 2006. Beware the little people. Hitler,
Napoleon, Pat Butcher from Eastenders – their diminutive
stature belies their evil intentions. And so it was in Birmingham recently,
when the Tozzers came to town.
A squeaky voice giggles malevolently. Razor-like fangs bury themselves deep into your soft, yielding flesh. You can vaguely feel your skull give way, then you die slowly, but painlessly, as your brain is sucked out through a KFC straw.
Your body is left for the NEC cleaning staff to deal with. Your remains are mashed up, liquefied and turned into Tales of Midnight merchandise. You are stuck on a display rack behind Francis Lee, and have to tour conventions year after year, while a plasma TV runs an infinite loop of the latest Tales of Midnight cartoon.
Beware the little people. And the littlest person of all? No, not Yoda…
Think smaller. More deadly. Yes, the dark lord himself. Vader.
There’s only one thing scarier than a little person, and that’s a stalker. Just typing the word makes my skin crawl. Stalkers are a breed of fan who follow us from convention to convention, invading our photos and demanding that we try on their long black fake-leather trench coats. To be honest, this subject is making me queasy, so let’s talk about something else instead. A girl by the name of Cher bought our new Killer Babe T-shirt.
Then Pete glanced in my direction and roared with laughter. I looked down, and, to my horror, found myself wearing a long black fake-leather trench coat. This could only mean one thing. There was a stalker in our midst.
Pete’s smile evaporated, as the tables were turned. The power of the trench coat was overwhelming. He had to succumb.
Then, I did what any sane person would do. I ran, twisting this way and that, in an effort to lose the stalker. Their identity may have been a mystery to me, but I could still feel their cold, dispassionate eyes following my every move. When I could run no more, I headed to the Brodie’s Law table and consulted the great Daley Osiyemi. He agreed with me. The stalker situation was out of control.
This sentiment was echoed by Markosia honcho Harry Markos.
I was feeling stressed-out at this point, but luckily I was near the Tales of Midnight booth, where dreams come true and worries disappear. Francis Lee was adding another piece of merchandise to his display rack. He smiled at me, then shook my hand, breaking it in several places with his robotically-enhanced grip. Then, by way of compensation, he handed me a small box with the Tales of Midnight characters printed on the front. “My God,” I gasped. Francis had done it again.
Although my hand was now crushed, purple and lifeless, I left the Midnight booth in good spirits. This was due to Francis’s boundless enthusiasm, his incredible energy, and the huge quantity of pain-killers I'd taken. I wondered round the hall in a daze. The world seemed right again. Everyone was smiling. John McCrea was displaying his talents. It was hard not to be impressed by his impersonation of John Inman from Are You Being Served?
The celebrities were out in force. David and Victoria Beckham were there, captivated by the donut stand. As we know, David has OCD. He ate a single donut, then scoffed a further 23, to make the display symmetrical.
Marion Ramsey, star of the Police Academy movies, was one of the show's more prestigious guests. You may not have seen much of her on the big screen lately, but she’s still getting plenty of work.
Perhaps the biggest celebrity of all was Peter Jackson. He was there to promote the sequel to King Kong.
As always, the Memorabilia crowd were into dressing up. A friend of Cher’s wore an elaborate costume, which must have taken a crack team of stylists at least a nanosecond to put together.
But if you think that was impressive, wait till you see what Alan from the Comic Guru pulled out of the hat…
Chun-Li was in attendance, with her lovely blue bride.
Perhaps the most remarkable scene of the weekend was the much-hyped Spiderman Eating Golem contest. This, I had to see. Could Spidey pull it off? Would Golem escape and ruin the event? A large crowd gathered round, then sure enough, Spiderman picked up Golem, opened his enormous jaws and swallowed him whole, like a python eating a rabbit. It was an amazing achievement, and a fitting climax to the show. Later, Spidey wasn’t looking so good. He clutched his belly, groaned and ran to the toilets.
So, that was Memorabilia. Me and Pete had a ball, and we played catch for a while, but mostly we just chatted to people and sold our Tozzer books. Thanks to the organisers, and to everyone who turned up. If you got snapped by the Tozzer-cam, then well, you have my condolences. But no matter who you are, I can guarantee you one thing. You will finish reading this report with a smile on your face. Take it easy, Rob
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